As I'm sure most
of you know, Y2K, or the Millenium, is coming soon. I can honestly say that
I've waited for this moment for most of my life; think of all the women
who will give themselves to me because "they don't want to die a virgin".
Of course, they would do that anyway on any normal day, but now moreso than
ever.
Now, because I'm an awesome, sweet, sexy guy, I'm going to sell to you people
my Y2K survival kit-the one thing that will let you survive. Send me $299.95
and allow for 2-month delivery, and even though it won't arrive in time
for Y2K, you'll feel better, knowing that I'm $300 richer, and $300 sexier.
Just what is in my Y2K Survival Kit? Several things:
1) a SECOND AID kit (because you're not good enough for a FIRST AID kit),
which contains:
a toothpick
my PERSONAL earwax
AOL disks (to BURN)
Now, you're going to need food, too, so I offer you the ultimate gift: A
PIECE OF MY MOM'S MEATLOAF.
"What?", you're saying. "Only a SINGLE PIECE OF !@#$ing MEATLOAF!@#!@#
THAT BASTARD! NO WAY I'LL SEND MY WIFE TO GO SEE HIM ANYMORE!@#!@#"
Well, don't worry: as this meatloaf is UNDIGESTABLE, it won't ever leave
your stomach. Infact, I'm still crapping out a piece of my mom's meatloaf
from 1987. I figure this stuff will be in your stomach until Y3K, so here
you have no worries. Here's a picture of the meatloaf:
As an added gift, I offer my own special biscuits.
"Biscuits," you ask. "I thought you, in your infinite wisdom,
had already given me food in this WONDERFUL kit?"
The biscuits, despite popular belief, are NOT for eating. Infact, they're
not even edible-they're only for protection. YES, protection-the damn things
are so hard that they could easily crush a man's skull in with a soft toss.
I've seen it done and done it myself.
Well, that's all you'll be needing. If you're interesting in buying Doctor
Zack Elle's* Y2K Survival Kit,
CONTACT
ME! It's only $299.95! What's worth more-your life, or $299.95?
* Zack Elle is not actually a Doctor. Actually, he is a Doctor, but unofficially;
he's a Doctor is the field of LOVE MAKING. And yes, he's a Ph. D., and he's
also the best in his field. Give him a ring, ladies.
